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FINDING LIFE IN CHAOS

Updated: Jul 30, 2020

It is really easy to let my mind wander to the year 2019!!!.....I know, I know it was only last year but right now that feels like a life time ago. I let it wander to life back on the road, going from place to place, and festival to festival. Sharing time, space, laughter, and tears with friends that are now family and strangers who will always have a space to dance in my memory. Last year I worked 16 music festivals, spent some time in 6 states, and traveled across the country 3 times. It was a dream come true and I would not change any of it.





It was endless weeks traveling through rolling hills and fields as far as the eye could see. It was the bliss of sitting next to that bubbling river in the forest of giants while patiently waiting for the call to pick up the next artist. Being mesmerized by a sunset and its reflection in the lake with your team because you all finally have 20 minutes off at the same time to share that sunset and bowl. It was calling your friend to see if they were home because you happen to be driving through their state. It is the memory of moments like these that make me smile.


"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened." (Dr. Seuss)






Fast forward to right now in this moment and I am stationary due to a pandemic. Experiencing something that I thought I would never see in this life time. Almost the entire world is at a stand still, hoping for the best outcome and good health for everyone. When this all first started I panicked. The last time I had sat still this long is nothing but a distant memory that can barely be recalled. I felt like my world had been turned upside down and there was no way out. I have at times been scared of this virus and the havoc it has wrecked on the world. I have at times paced the house and lashed out at my mom and nana for the way life is right now. I always feel like a terrible person after because they did not deserve it. I didn't want to sit with all the other feeling and healing that I had to do and this pandemic was forcing me to stay still, there was not a choice but to be with me.


I am embracing being with me. I am sitting with all the different parts of me that I have been running from for awhile now. I am also sitting with the parts of me that are beautiful and loving. I am just being with me. You see I was not comfortable doing this, I didn't like who I was becoming through all the pain that I was carrying around with me last year but nor was I willing or ready to face all that pain either. This pandemic took away that choice and for as hard as this is it is also a blessing in disguise.


Through this sense of being with myself I have healed a broken heart. I am healing from a shattered dream of ever meeting my biological father. I am healing the parts of me that speak negatively of myself. I am basking in the gift of being with lifelong family and new family. I am reminding myself every day that I am worthy of love and a beautiful life full of adventure. I am embracing my life's calling through healing and bringing that light and love to others. I am allowing myself to grow into the beautiful flower that I am meant to become.















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