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Tales of a Fatherless Daughter: Part 1 Acquiring the Knowledge

Updated: Jun 6, 2021

This is a story that has taken me four years to talk about with out breaking down into tears. I feel that I need to share this story because I am not alone in this life experience, yet it brought about an indescribable loneliness in my every day life for the longest time. This story is going to be broken into a handful of series as it is still a story that is unfolding. The journey has been long, ugly, beautiful, eye opening, full of growth, and an immense amount of knowledge and life lessons. If you are reading this and can relate in any way please know that you are not alone!

The story begins with my birth. I was born March 21st, 1988 in New Hampshire to a young woman of 20 years old and a father of about 30 years old. The story that I have been told is that my great grandmother was the first to hold me and after my mother found out I was a girl she told the doctor to put me back I wasn't done yet. She really wanted a boy. During my wonderful entrance to the world (36 hrs of labor) I have no idea where my biological father was or if he even knew this was happening. I have never gotten a clear answer on this.

Over the next year a half my mother and father went back and forth between the courts of New Hampshire and Massachusetts. My father wanted to have rights to me, wanted to be apart of my life, see his daughter grow up, but for reasons I do not understand there was a lot of issues inside and outside the courtroom. Lets face it though it was the late 80`s, most judges favor the mother, and it was a case across state lines. Towards the end of this year and a half battle over visitation my mother had met the man whom she was to marry and who was going to adopt me.

Even this wasn't exactly a love story. The man whom adopted me has told me that he talked to my mom way back in 1989 because he saw a child that needed someone to count on. This is how my mom got a husband (now ex) and I had an adoptive father. My biological father thinking I was going to a healthy and happy two parent home decided it was time to stop fighting and he signed over all parental rights so the guy who was with my mom could adopt me. From what I have been told the last time he ever saw me was in October. Him and his girlfriend (eventual wife) came up to New Hampshire to spend some time with me and get me my Halloween costume. I do not know what happened but I never saw him again. I have no conscious memories of him and as far as I know there isn't even a picture that exists of the two of us.

How did I come to find all this out? Yet again the start of another little story. When I was eight years old I was molested by one of my mom`s friends and during that time period for reasons I can not remember my mother told me that my "dad" was not my real father. According to her my father was an alcoholic, drug addict who was probably dead based off their relationship. They weren't exactly the healthiest couple from my understanding. This is neither here nor there though, the fact of the matter was that the man who I had known as "dad" my entire life was not actually the one who helped create me. I had no idea what to do with this information. Shortly after this my "dad" made it clear with this single statement during a fight with my mother that, "he didn't want me anyways." There I was a fatherless girl.

As life moved on for me I constantly asked my mom about my biological father. I wanted to know who he was and felt like I deserved to have a father seen how I got to watch my little sister spend time with her father (the man who adopted me) so why couldn't I? I was told that my father gave me up for back child support and that he signed his rights away without blinking an eye. Another thing I was told was that my mother didn't want to be found by him, it made her uncomfortable. Another one was that there was a restraining order on him till I was 18 because he tried stealing me as a baby.

I found out none of this was true. As mentioned above my biological father signed his rights away because he thought I was going to a "normal" home with two loving parents. He didn't find me in adult hood because he thought I hated him or that him showing up would some how f**ck me up. He had the means to find me, he became a lawyer after the experience with me and my mother. But he was afraid of facing me.

Finally after years and years of bugging my mother for information about my biological father, she sent me all the court paper work from that time period that she had. I finally had his full name and social security number. It was time to look this man up and see if I could find him to ask him all the questions I had dreamed of asking. I was ready for those hard answers. I was even ready for him to tell me he really didn't want me. I just needed to hear it from him and not others. I looked up his social security number, what popped up was an obituary. I felt like there was a mistake and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know if this was right because I didn't know anything about this person.

A year after finding this I talked to my Nana about it and showed it to her, hoping she had some answers for me. My mom had expressed she wanted nothing to do with this process so I was respecting her wishes and did not go to her for answers. I do not know how this was brought up but a couple months later my Nana showed my mother the obituary and she confirmed that it was him, my biological father. I had found out that my father had lived two hours from me my entire life, that I had two older step siblings and three little brothers. That my biological father had died four months after I moved to California.

I was so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts I didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I had finally found what I was looking for and I had no idea what I was going to do next.

My heart sank at this news. He was so close and yet so far. A missed meeting by only a few months. Now I would never be able to ask him all the questions that I had, would never be able to hear his voice in person, feel a hug or share a laugh. There would never be a picture. I had found what I had set out to find though. I had found the man that I shared half my DNA with and found that I had a bigger family than even I knew. My Nana had found an address for my biological father and said when or if I was ready she would give me the address to reach out to his/my family.

I was so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts I didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I had finally found what I was looking for and I had no idea what I was going to do next.

To be continued..............

Editors Note: In the third paragraph the term custody was used while talking about the happening taking place in the courts. This was the wrong term and has been changed to visitation due to the court proceedings being about visitation rights. Also in paragraph five it was put that my mom`s boyfriend molested me according to my mother it was just her friend so that has also been changed. Thank you.

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