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Tales of a Fatherless Daughter Part 4: From Rock Bottom to Top of the World

The last post went over the meeting of my brothers, step mother and step sister and what I was feeling and experiencing in the moment. There was nothing to prepare me for the next round of thoughts and emotions that would penetrate my soul. I didn't just gain family, sadly I lost some as well. Creating a sadness that at times still rears its vicious head.

After meeting my family I headed back to California. I was driving and awkwardly enough I didn't really have time to process all my emotions due to running into extreme weather on the road, absolute exhaustion, and I stopped into see a friend in Colorado for a few days. What I did figure out on the 3,000 mile drive was that for now, my time in California was coming to a close. This was still a ways off though.

When I got back to California the festival season was coming to an end as well as unknowingly, other things in my life. During the off season I had a lot of time on my hands working only security at a collage campus in Los Angeles for a company. I worked third shift, there was a lot of time with myself. The anger, self doubt, negative questioning of why wasn't I "worth it" when it came to people staying in my life, took over completely. It didn't help that my relationship at the time was suffering from all these emotions and my "dad" had stopped talking to me for the most part. Both of these were hard to deal with on top of everything else but it was worse with my "dad". I was struggling with all this family stuff and I needed him, begging him to be there or to tell me why he wasn't there for me.

At a point everything came to a head. On the way to an event my "dad" finally answered the phone and after asking why he didn't call me back when I needed him the most the response was " I forgot". It was like someone reaching into my chest and ripping out my heart. Yet again I wasn't enough. That night I put everything I could in my body to escape the pain that I was feeling. Two days later my relationship came to an end as well. Life stripped me down and tossed me in the rain beaten and broken.

I was angry that my brothers and step siblings had time with our "father" and that my little sister still had her father. I was angry that everyone else got to have something that I didn't. Time and memories with their father when non of the men in my life could seem to stick around. I felt like I wasn't enough or I was too much. I was angry and depressed all the time and if I wasn't working I was doing anything and everything to escape the pain. No one knew how hard I was hitting rock bottom, I was alone and floundering. For almost a year I was losing everything money, friends, and almost my life. It was time to the make the choice to heal or head down a road there was no coming back from.

The only way I knew how to heal was to leave California and face all this head on in Massachusetts. It was the hardest thing to do. When I stopped escaping from reality, it took months to re-balance physically. It took months to not wake up in the middle of the night from night mares crying. To stop crying when I saw a father and daughter in the store. To accept that I had no control over this and that it wasn't my fault that any of this happened but the choices of other people based on how they saw the world. There was nothing to do but to forgive and to accept that I was the one without a father and that I would never have the relationship that I wanted so bad with either "father".

Healing has not been pretty. There is still ugly crying and doubt. There is still flashes of anger and frustration but now that I am healthy it is easier to navigate these emotions. To see them for what they are and hold space for them. To not let them take over. In this I have been able to start healing with my mother and sister. I have been able to establish some relationships with the other side of my family and be there for milestones.

Healing has allowed me to become healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually. I not only have a huge family now but memories with them. I am growing a business and blog that focuses on helping others in a variety of ways. I am in a beautiful relationship with an amazing man. Have finished duel bachelors degrees, and become a reiki practitioner. Choosing to heal saved my life and in that my life is like a blooming garden filled with love and support. Nothing is what I thought it was going to be but that is life. No one said it was going to be easy just worth it.

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