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Tales of a Fatherless Daughter Part 3: Meetings

In the last installment of this story I left off with I had made contact with my family on my biological fathers side. The next step was meeting them. I was traveling back to the east coast for work at a couple of festivals in New York. After that I would head back to New Hampshire and Massachusetts to spend time with family, friends, and to meet these new people that I shared DNA with. I was living in California and I packed up my car for a month worth of travel and went on this next part of the journey.

Upon arriving to Mass and NH I thought I could treat this situation like any other. I would just mosey around, have some fun, meet new people, and then go home to California. The plan for the day I was to meet my little brother was I would have dinner with my "dad" and little sister, my little brother would pick me up from there and we would hang out and get to know each other. He would bring me back to Mass and then I would spend some time with my mom. Then the next day I would meet my other little brothers, step siblings, and my biological fathers widow. The day I was to meet my little brother none of what I had planned happened, due to my choice. What I didn't account for, or maybe was even trying to run from was all the emotions that were going to come up no matter how much I tried to hide them or push them away.

I ended up cancelling dinner with my "dad" and sister because I was so anxious about meeting my little brother that I felt like I was going to throw up. I also realized that I wasn't ready for everyone to meet. I freaked out at my friends house a little and ended up having a couple shots and like half a pack of smokes. I called my "dad" and explained to him why I was cancelling and when I would be back next and if we could plan dinner then. I let out every emotion and thought I was feeling and he just held space for it. He had known that this meeting was something I had always dreamed of. He supported me and told me he wasn't upset and that no matter what he would always be here. He wasn't going anywhere. I felt a sense of relief and support and got off the phone to try and calm my nerves with another beer.

My little brother showed up on a motorcycle, just like he said he was going to. It was summer when all this was happening so before he showed up every motorcycle that went by my friends house made my heart stop and my breath catch in my chest. When he finally pulled into the drive way the mix of excitement and fear was blinding. I don't think my heart could have been beating any faster with out me having some sort of heart attack. I also couldn't help thinking what if he didn't like me or thought that I was crazy for something as simple as how I looked, or for the life that I lived, I came up with too many things to list here. All the thoughts were like an atomic bomb going off in my brain. It turned out to be the best first meeting any one could ask for. We smiled and hugged awkwardly and didn't know what to say because, well this was weird and new.

After some time at my friends house we took off we went to a little restaurant either in Alton or right outside of Alton and had dinner where he and his friends/family stop to have dinner every time they went to New Hampshire. It was a cute little place I had driven by hundreds of times growing up and had never been. I couldn't help but think how many times had I driven by there and these guys could have been sitting in here eating. Next he took me to the family property. It is not built on so it's just land. We didn't go stomping around because it was dark and there are a lot of ticks that time of year, instead we stood in the middle of the road and looked at the stars. He told me that our father use to stand with him in that exact spot looking at the stars. I lost it.

I cried because this was all a dream come true and a dream shattered. It was a dream come true because I was standing there starting the bond with my little brother and soon I would be meeting and creating that bond with the rest of my long lost family. I couldn't believe that it was happening, really happening. My family was growing. It was a dream shattered because I missed meeting my father by four months. I would never be able to meet the man that created me. Would never be able to ask the questions or get to know him, from him. I would never get the chance of anything with this person and it weighed on my soul more than I could ever imagine it would. It was something I would try to run from for the next year.

The next day I met the rest of my brothers. I met my step mother and step sister (I do not usually refer to them this way as they are just simply family). I had to pull over three times on the way to the house because I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I had to sit and cry. I was going to the house my father lived in to meet everyone but him. Again excitement, anxiety and sadness. The meeting was as expected emotional and awkward. Lot's of story telling and pictures, much crying, I am pretty sure I smoked at least a pack of smokes. And thanks to that day and my step sister I now absolutely love Not Your Mothers Root Beer.

I was happy with the meeting and the time spent together. What I didn't know or see coming was the emotions and the struggle with all this that would come afterwards when I had time to process all this and learnt about my father. For awhile there things got dark. That is for the next and last installment.


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