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Tales Of A Fatherless Daughter: Part 2 The First Step Into The Unknown.

Writing this series has already brought a lot of changes to my life and this is only the second part of my story. Some people do not like that I am sharing this or the way that I am sharing this, but to make this clear, this is my story from my perspective on events in my life. I also recognize that life is never just one sided and each side is looking at life threw their own lens. I have held space for those perspectives even if I didn't like them. Each person in my story made choices, choices that affected another person. Some of those choices were for the best and some of those choices caused an un-measurable amount of pain. A lesson in life that is constantly brought up in this situation is, always speak your truth but be conscious of your words. Be just as aware with you actions!

A little back story before jumping into this next part. In the last post I had touched on my "dad" and I not talking. We didn't talk for about ten years, so from about eight till eighteen. I don`t quiet remember at this point how we started talking again in my adult hood but we did. We talked also about why we didn't talk for ten years. He had re-entered my life for at least a little while. I was stoked to have my "dad" back.

I had left off in the last post at my biological fathers obituary being found. After the initial shock and emotions of finally having found everything, I had started thinking about whether or not I wanted to reach out to his family. At some point my nana had found my biological fathers last known address and was ready to share it with me when or if I was going to reach out.

I was really torn about whether or not I wanted to reach out. My thoughts were all over the place so I will explain them to the best of my ability here. I wasn't sure if my biological fathers widow knew I existed. At the time I knew nothing of time frames and who was around during what phases of peoples lives. I was terrified that I was going to be the person to let a secret out of the bag. I wasn't sure if I could handle that responsibility. I was also terrified of rejection. I couldn't help but to think that what if I was looked at as a mistake that these people would rather forget. What if these guys wanted nothing to do with me at all! The anxiety at times was unbearable and crippling.

It was hard to do and it took some major support from the people in my life, like my "dad" at the time, my nana, and all of my friends. With their support I was able to start thinking about things along the lines of, what if they would be happy that I came back around. What if they wanted to meet me and get to know me. I could have relationships with more family! Have some more siblings! It really came down to what choice could I live with for the rest of my life. Giving up and not reaching out because I was afraid or taking the next step forward and seeing what could happen.

I ended up grabbing the address from my nana. It took me a month and I am not sure how many drafts to write this letter to my whom I now refer to as my step mother. To sum up the letter I wrote at the time I stated who I was and how I had come to find them and her mailing address. I apologized for any negative feelings I was bringing up if she didn't already know about me. The most important thing was that I had the proof that this person was my biological father and that I would produce it if she needed, but was not going to include that info in that letter in case they no longer lived at this address. In which case this entire letter would be null and void any ways. The second most important thing I put in this letter was a request, my request being was that if they did actually want nothing to do with me to please tell me instead of no response so I could have some closure to this and really know instead of wonder.

I sent the letter on its way with severe anxiety about what was going to happen next. Lets face it, I did what I could while being scared to death and all I could do now was wait. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long, I got a response in no time. She told me that she knew who I was and that the surprise came in the form of that I had found them. Sadly my biological father was not around for this conversation. We waited to tell the boys, aka my little brothers because the family was going through a loss. My cousin had been murder and the family was grieving. It allowed my step mother and I to get to know each other and me to start asking some really hard questions with out being bombarded by to much. Eventually we started talking about meeting. I was terrified yet again. I couldn't help but wonder all the time if these people would like who I was.

Eventually my step mother told my little brothers about me and the oldest of the three wasted no time hopping on the phone with me. It was a relief to know that I wasn't going to be shunned and that I was going to get a chance at getting to know these people at least.

Next step was meeting all them in person

To be continued.........

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